Why Dating is the Worst

1. Expectations are the root of all unhappiness: Don't you just love when you try to keep your cool about a date and maintain realistic expectations of an event that more likely than not will end in a bland disappointment, when your mother/grandmother/sister/roommate/etc. finds out and starts pairing your first name with his last or analyzes how cute your how-we-met story would be? Yeah, it's the worst.
2. The sudden realization you have absolutely nothing cute to wear: There is nothing quite like the harsh realization that you don't own anything that's on your Pinterest style board, and that you have, in fact, been living in the same Target v-neck t-shirt in twelve colors. Oh, and you only have one pair of  blue jeans---but he must like that right?
3. Getting ready prematurely and having to sit around waiting, which always ends in you wishing you could just be half way through with the date. Heck, let's just bag this altogether.
4. Being on the date, laughing and enjoying yourself but then looking at the guy and thinking, "he'd be such a fun friend."
5. Being on the date, laughing and enjoying yourself and thinking that everything is going really well and seeing the look his face---you know the look that says, "Yeah, no."
6. Getting home, wanting to go to bed and finding your entire wardrobe piled on your bed. 
7. The dilemma of having to wait for him to call or text or whatever and wondering if you should call or text or whatever.
8. The dilemma of kinda hoping he won't call. 

See, you're not really missing anything. So, pop on some Taylor Swift and watch a mushy movie and call it a day. 

Codependency and Relationships with Narcissists

The almighty Wikipedia describes codependency as follows:

Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.^[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.^[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.^[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.^[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

For those of us that are codependents, we know what it really is. It's a compulsion to please others to the detriment of our of physical and mental health, taking on other's issues as our own, trying to "fix" another person, blaming ourselves for the mistakes of other people, and the giant head/heartache that comes from it. I first heard the term "codependency" about two years ago. I immediately knew it described me to a T. I had always thought I was just caring and sensitive. Little did I know it was actually an issue and had been the roots to most of my relationship problems.

My codependence led to the most disasterous relationship I've ever been in. In less than two weeks from our first date I learned something about the guy I'd been seeing that should have made me run. Instead of severing all ties I literally asked how I could help. What?! What is wrong with me? Then other things came up, things no sane girl would be okay with, things that were massive red flags waving in my face. I again asked how I could help. I became so worried about his problems and fixing him that I didn't worry about my own safety. Everything I did, everything I said was in order to make things better for him. Whatever he wanted, whatever he asked, that's what I did. It spiraled so out of control that within two months I had utterly lost myself, had done things I knew better than to do, and eventually found myself talking to the local police force asking for a no-contact order. I sat there wondering how the hell my life had spiraled out of my control and how I allowed such a toxic relationship to continue. My codependency had gotten in the way of my being able to say no and save myself from a dangerous relationship.

The biggest way to cope with codependence is to be complete and whole as a person. I have come to learn and understand that I am more than okay as a single person. I don't need to have a relationship to be a good person and I don't need to sacrific who I am in order to keep a man around. In fact, a relationship should do the opposite. Relationships should support and enhance the best of the two people involved, not ask one or the change or give up anything. You do not need to do anything other than love yourself in order to be worthy of love and a relationship. Like my mother says, there are worse things than being single. And the worst thing you could do is to lose yourself in a relationship. I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship and utterly unhealthy and miserable. We all deserve the kind of relationship we can live without but don't want to have to.

The best thing a man could say to me is "I could live without you but I don't want to try it."

When Do You Owe Someone A Breakup?

The passive breakup. Has this become a weird social norm? What gives? Let me tell you three stories.

A girl goes to visit the guy she's been dating at his parents place. She stays there for nearly a week. Everything goes really well. Meets the parents and other important people in the dude's life. No signs of trouble. She gets home and withing 48 guys is not returning her texts or emails. No calls. Nothing. No breakup conversation, no explanation even when asked. Dropped like a hot potato with herpes.

Girl meets boy. Girl and boy text daily, all day. Girl and boy go on three dates, kissed on two of those dates. Girl sets up fourth day. Boy stands her up. Girl asked what's up. No explanation. Boy ignores girl. Dropped like a hot potato with some other unfortunate STD.

Girl gets set up with boy. First date goes amazingly well. Second date, goes well. Boy kisses girl. Next day the boy and girl talk and both agree to take a step back and slow things down, but keep spending time together. Girl sets up a date. Boy agrees only the stand her up. He slowly stops contacting girl. Months later boy texts girl "hey".

All of these stories have actually happened to girls I know.

via pinterest

When did the breakup become optional?

Ladies, dudes. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you just aren't feeling it anymore. Sometimes, whatever. And sometimes you owe the other person some kind of explanation. You owe them a breakup. You have every right to leave, just explain yourself. When do you owe the conversation? After a first date, you owe them nothing. If they ask, maybe just say you aren't interested but there's no pressure. Date two, without physical interaction, you still don't really owe them anything. But once the touch barrier is crossed, you owe the other person a break up or explanation of some kind. Yes, breakups are awkward, uncomfortable, even painful. But welcome to life. Man (or woman) up and have the conversation. It comes down to respect. We should all respect each other enough to realize that the other person deserves to be treated as a person with feelings.

The world would be a much happier place and dating would be a lot less painful if we treated each other with respect and diginity. The other person is someone's child, sibling, best friend, and someone's future spouse. Be kind with each other.

Men Manipulate, Women Lie and We All End Up Hating Each Other

 

It's common knowledge that men reach and women settle. It's something we inherently understand and accommodate.

Especially in cultures were marrying young is not only the norm, but desirable (I've seen this is Utah, some Southern states, Romania, etc.) women are taught to lie to get what they want from men, and men are taught to manipulate to get what they want from women. 

I'm not saying that we're consciously taught to lie and manipulate; I don't think any woman thinks to herself, "now I'm going to tell this lie to get this guy to like me," and I don't think any man is thinking, "if I can just manipulate her into staying everything will work out," no, I don't think that. But I do think most everyone does it. 

I've found myself with guys, saying random, completely untrue things. Once I told a guy that I love sports-- there are few things less true than that statement. I know for a fact that every girl I know has found herself in a situation where she is telling some guy that she loves what he loves and thinking, "what am I saying right now?" 

Now, I am not a man so I can't say why they do what they do and what their motivations "really are," in fact, I'm not even going to go there. But I do know my experience with guys. 

Example #1- I dated this guy for a few months. It was by far the worst relationship. We were mean to each other, we brought out the worst in each other. Separately  we're both very nice people. Together we were raging maniacs. Once, after a tense fight at the local Walmart, a girl asking me if I was "okay" with him, afterward we gave each other the silent treatment for the rest of the night I thought it was about time to end things. While I was talking to him about why I thought it should end, he was trying to say that we should just "work on it." I told him that I didn't think that was a good idea. Then he said to me, "I understand, it's just that I think I could make you really happy. If we got married you could literally fly anywhere you wanted, whenever you wanted to." He was a pilot. 

Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I like to travel. If I could figure out a way to travel continuously without dying from exhaustion and malnutrition, I would. He also knew this about me. 

I don't believe that he thought to himself, "I'm going to manipulate Nicole's feelings for me by playing to her greatest weakness." No, I doubt he thought that, but I argue that he didn't have to. He's been trained that that's what needs to be done. 

Example #2- I dated this one guy for six months and things were taking a fast nose-dive. We'd been talking about the problems in our relationship for a few weeks and I'd had about enough. I decided it was time to just let it go and move on. I told him this. The next day he shows up with a pearl necklace and a metaphor about our relationship. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable accepting such an expensive gift. He said its price was part of the point. What point? He said that he hoped that the price of the gift would show me how serious he was and that it would "buy some time." 

At least pilot guy attempted to manipulate me with something I care about. Jewelry? I really couldn't care less. 

Why do we do this? It's so ugly. 

Guys get married and complain that their wives "flipped the switch" and are suddenly hyper critical of the things they claimed to love. Honey, that's because she lied. 

Women complain that they married a guy who pumped them full of empty promises. That's because you allowed yourself to be manipulated into ignoring warning signs. 

I submit that life would be better all around if we'd all be a little more authentic. So many divorced people claim that they both just changed too much, that they "grew apart." I call BS. I don't think your ex changed, I think they just started acting like who they actually are. You believed what you wanted and so did your ex. 

And on top of that, I submit that we'd all be happier if we could find it in ourselves to accept people as is and don't expect them to live up to some imaginary ideal. 

Our Apologies

We're sure you've noticed the lack of new content recently here at RHJNTIY. Forgive us. We've both been busy and slacking off. Nicole is slaving away at school and working on some really cool projects. And me, well, I have no good excuse. In all honesty, I've been focusing most of my blogging efforts at my other blog, Dating Me in One-Three. While DMin13 isn't anti-dating, it's a completely different focus than RHJNITY. So, I apologize for focusing too much there and not enough here. We will be better, I promise! Please still send in your questions and comments. We love hearing from you and getting your questions and feedback.

"Because you kink your eyebrow when you're trying to be cute. Because you quote Camus even though I've never actually seen you read. And because, you miss your parents, but you'll never ever admit that. And because I've given exactly two of these embarrassing speeches in my entire life and they've both been to you. I mean, that's gotta mean something right? And because we're both gonna get pneumonia, but if you need to hear why I love you, I can go on all night."

Lucas Scott

[OTH, Season 3:13 "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away"]

Why I'm Still Single Part Two: Nicole

Hello lovely ladies, Nicole here. In response to B's oh so inspiring post about why she's single, I thought I'd throw in my angle on my own singality.

When old ladies from back home tell me that they just can't figure out why a pretty girl like me is still single I nod and act pathetic and wait for them to leave me alone. All during this charade I'm thinking, hmm, I know exactly why I'm still single. 

I'm going to break this down into a few of the top reasons (though there are many):

1.) I am not skinny enough, tan enough, short enough or blond enough. I don't say this in a self disparaging way, so you can keep your affirming comments to a minimum; really I'm okay.

I am 5'10", redheaded, fair skinned and a "whopping" size 8 (oh my!) and I know for a fact that few of these characteristics are pleasing to most men. Don't get me wrong, I'm ridiculously pretty, and I don't say that in a self-righteous manner (sorry for the cutting down/building up whiplash I may have just given you), facts are just facts, and I don't believe in mincing words.

Men are notoriously picky, especially where physical appearances are concerned. I'm not saying that women don't get in the shallow end of the pool our fair share, but we honestly learned from the best. Nothing brings our my b!%*h cackle quite as fast as when guys complain about women wanting guys who look like Jacob from Twilight or Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love. Please, I'll feel bad about men's newly developed body-image issues when guys stop saying that girls should be blond and big chested with miraculously thin bodies. And I doubt that will be any time soon.

I'm not fat, but I have been thinner and I know that guys look at me differently now that I've upped two pant sizes. And I need a few more hands to count how many guys oh so subtly asked me if I've "ever thought about dying" my hair any other color. And yes, once a guy broke up with me for fear that I'd make his kids "ginger" as if that's a bad thing.

Oh and towering over the majority of men (average height of men in the US is 5'8") doesn't help me either. Guys like to feel big and strong and when they're standing next to a ginger Amazon they don't feel either.

2.) I'm "intense": This is my favorite, mostly because I get it so frequently.

I'm opinionated. I feel that I'm right most of the time --because I was taught to think before I speak and research before I pontificate-- (in my defense I admit that I'm wrong when I am). I expect people to live up to their potentials. I believe that everyone can be amazing and expect them to be. I also expect people to act like intelligent life beings that they parade around as.

I don't believe in acting small or less than I am. I know that I'm smart, I know that I'm talented and I refuse to act any less to make anyone "more comfortable" because that would be fraud.

3.) I don't judge my worth on whether or not I have a guy in my life. This is a problem far too many girls have, and it's a sad societal construct that needs to be bulldozed  down. I'm a passive dater. If a guy wanders into my life and wants to spend time with me, sure he can, but I don't make a big deal out of his coming or going. Maybe one day I'll see someone differently, but until then I'm just going to keep doing my thing.

4.) Marriage is too big a deal to just marry anyone. I have standards. Ya know, little things like: not addicted to porn (now or ever), not addicted to video games, doesn't change personality during a certain sport season, and isn't a Republican (preferably anyway). I don't feel like this is too much to ask for, but alas he may not exist.

But in the end it's better this way. If dating were easy everyone would marry the wrong person and make for much bigger a mess than we've already got on our hands.

Why Am I Still Single?

If you're anything like Nicole and me, you've asked yourself this question multiple times. You've probably also been peppered with questions around your lack of a significant other by family members and friends who think they're clever. This is part of the reason I refuse to attend my mother's LDS ward when I'm at her place. The old folks who knew me as a kid cannot help themselves. The only question they ask is if I'm married yet. Not where I'm living, how my career is going, if I'm graduated from grad school yet, or anything else equally substantial. Bless my grandfather's soul, he has never once asked me about my dating life or lack thereof. Nicole's on the other hand, thinks it's a punch line.

Nicole and I were discussing how frustrated this can be. Like we aren't already very aware of our status in the dating department. In Utah culture, we've noticed something. When guys are asked why they aren't married/dating/whatever, the result is pressure and lots of it. I feel for them, I really do. That would be incredibly frustrating. I'm a fairly stubborn lady and when I feel pressure to do something I usually do the opposite, so I can see why the pressure isn't working. We ladies, instead of pressure, tend to recieve judgment. As if there's something wrong with us that keeps us single. I havefound when I tell someone I'm not married and not really dating, they respond with some version of "WHY?! You're so pretty!" As if pretty is all it should take. Even more frustrating is the times when a guy will tell me "I don't get why you're single. You're hilarious, sassy, spunky, talented, caring, pretty... yadda yadda yadda." Yeah, I know! Why are you dating me then?

I've been thinking about this question a lot lately, mostly because I spent a lot of 2012 in dating pursuits that exploded in a fantastic blaze of glory. And I've pinpointed exactly why I'm single. I am very dry, facetious, and sardonic. I was raised by a sassy, single southern woman who didn't put up with any crap. She and I took care of ourselves for a very long time. I'm aware that a lot of guys don't know how to handle me. I'm like an onion, or an Ogre. I have layers. My outer layers are the sassy layers. Very few guys have had the desire to pull back the layers and see the inside. I ain't gonna lie, I'm actually a very caring and kind person. When I love someone, I LOVE them. I'm forgiving, patient, sweet, and understanding. I'm an amazing girlfriend and will make a rock star wife and mother. You just gotta get past the smelly onion layers. And the thing is, I want a guy willing to cry through the onion-y-ness. It's really not that hard. Just gimme a chance and I could change your world. I get that a lot of guys don't want to do the work. And if they aren't willing to try me on and worked past my onion-y, Ogre-y layers, then I really don't want them either. The guy that I end up with will be more than pleased at what he finds inside those layers and I will love him forever and always for working past the sardonic outside.

So, dear friends. Don't let the judgement get to you. The real reason why you're still treading the waters of Lake Unmarried, is because you're just waiting for something as awesome as you to see your awesomeness and jump into Lake Matrimony holding your hand. In the meantime, be you. be you to the maximum. He's out there. I promise. You just may have to swim around to find him. It's worth it, YOU are worth it. Never forget that.

xoxo, B.

50 Random Get to Know You Questions

Blind dates and meeting those guys from online dating sites are becoming more and more frequent (at least in mine and Brittany's lives) and there is always that risk of awkward silences. Well, we have a fun solution for you: amazing questions. And not just your run of the mill "what's your favorite band" questions.  And, bonus, guys love it when girls ask questions-- it makes you seem interested. So if you're interested, or you could be potentially interested here is all the help you need to get off at a good start.

1. What is the most random thing that you find attractive in a person?
2. Did you ever get left behind or lost as a child? How/where?
3. What is your favorite smell?
4. Rolling Stones or The Beatles?
5. Do you have a weird talent?
6. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
7. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego, do you think?
8. Nickelodeon or Disney?
9. What is the weirdest thing you've ever seen?
10. If you couldn't be an American, what would you want to be and why?
11. What is your Zodiac sign? Is it accurate?
12. What was your best subject in high school?
13. What do you do when you're stressed?
14. Are there any superstitions that you believe in?
15. Would you rather be a a rock star, a pro athlete, or a famous author?
16. Milk shakes or Slurpees?
17. What is the number one most played song on your ipod?
18. What chore do you hate doing most?
19. What is one talent that you don't have but wish you did?
20. If you could stay one age forever what would it be?
21. If you could choose anyone, who would you pick as your mentor?
22. If you could witness any event past, present or future, what would it be?
23. If you had to work on only one project for the next year, what would it be?
24. If you were immortal for a day, what would you do?
25. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
26. What do you miss most about being a kid?
27. What is your first memory?
28. What was the first thing you bought with your own money?
29. At what age did you become an adult?
30. What song are you embarrassed to know every word to?
31. Do you like TV or movies more?
32. Do you like camping?
33. If you could be given any gift, what would it be and why?
34. What is a movie or book that most changed your life?
35. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
36. What would your ultimate pet be?
37. What did you want to be when you grew up?
38. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? Why?
39. Do you have any irrational fears? What?
40. What song motivates you most when you’re exercising?
41. When you think of the 70s/80s/90s, what song comes to mind?
42. Would you rather have $50,000 free and clear from a respectable source or $150,000 from a shady source that may be illegal?
43. If you could go to a concert with four major acts, living or dead, who would you want them to be?
44. Do you watch or read the news?
45. Do you have any near death experiences?
46. Is there a story behind how you got your name?
47. Are you a morning person or a night person?
48. Do you have any phobias?
49. Are you the same person today as you were 5 years ago?
50. Would you rather live the rest of your life in a big city or out in the country?

Insights Into Male Psychology?

I was recently going through my "church binder", a three-ring binder I keep all my nerdy church things in. I found a paper from years ago when I took a class called "Preparing For An Eternal Marriage." Man, Mormons are weird. But awesome. I digress. This aforementioned paper had, what it called "insights into male psychology". I was fascinated. I read through them. Some of them I found true, some of them I scoffed at. I had a hard time especially with #9, but my friend Jesus Steve assures me it's true. I am still unsure. What do y'all think?

1. Men seek out relationships that make them feel trusted and respected.
2. Men love through sacrifice.
3. Good men are largely logical about their relationships and commitment. Thus they do not commit easily to things they have not invested in over a period of time.
4. Men are driven to succeed, face challenges, compete, and conquer.
5. Men like women who like themselves.
6. Men love to be heroes.
7. Men like to be appreciated.
8. Men like femininity.
9. Men like women who have opinions and assert their needs.
10. Good men pursue women who are approachable and appear to be available.
11. Good men want sex with a woman who feels good about having sex with them and will wait until marriage.
12. Men need to be needed.
13. Men are repelled by criticism, nagging, and whining.
14. A man experiences anxiety in every conversation a woman initiates until she tells him what she wants him to do.
15. Men bond through doing activities and talking about things more than they do through talking about people, problems, feelings, or ideas.
16. Good men adore women who give them love, attention, and affection.
17. Good men are often willing to talk openly and honestly when they feel it will help them or another person to do so.

Debate! Go.